Blog about “not being sick enough”

When you stay at home and don’t go to work because of health problems people always imagine you staying in bed with a fever unable to move or do anything. Then they meet you on the street dressed up taking a walk and think to themselves “What a bitch, she is lazy and a scammer! She isn’t sick at all!” On the other hand they do not know that you might be suffering from a chronic illness or an autoimmune disease which doesn’t show signs on the outside. They do not know that you might suffer with pain if you just sit at home and not move at all. They don’t know that in certain moments you literally can not see and have to lay down because you feel like your head will explode. They almost DEMAND proof of your illness and put you down for not being “sick enough”  in their eyes. They do not know that you also battle depression and anxiety at the same time EVERY SINGLE DAY of your life. They tell you to stop being lazy, they tell you that you’re just being moody and feeling sorry to yourself, they tell you that you should sit at home and not walk around if you’re “really” sick, but they have no idea what it feels like when walls start closing in on you and you can’t even breathe anymore because your tears are choking you. They have no idea that being “dressed up” and taking a walk in the sun is the therapy and sometimes the only thing keeping you away from thoughts of taking away your own life. What hurts the most is when your loved ones act like that. “You’re staying at home again??? Hmpf, they will kick you out of your job soon, you’ll see!” They say that like they almost wish that upon you. But the most painful thing about this all is that they don’t even care to know the truth of what is really going on about you. They do not know that getting out of bed every day is a struggle because you just don’t see the point of it. They do not know that getting dressed and going outside is a triumph of the week for you. They do not know how your insides crumble and burn while you keep on the smile on your face. They do not know that you might actually lose eyesight one day because you suffer from an autoimmune illness.

They suggest you meditate more, eat gluten free, be vegan, stop wearing makeup, put a “right kind of crystal on it”, eat just bananas for the rest of your lives, wash your god damn eyeballs with green tea every day and sleep with a ginger root up your ass. They have no idea that you probably tried everything to get better (well except maybe for that ginger root option).

This is a simple pour out of so many thoughts that have been going around my mind for some time now. I have an autoimmune disease, I suffer from anxiety and depression but mostly I am sick of this feeling of guilt because I am unable to function “normally” and go to work every day like I would want to. I don’t want to keep feeling like that and I really don’t need that kind of people around me. If I am going to get kicked out of my job because of this that is fine with me. I cannot show my anxiety nor my depression, neither can I show my autoimmune disease. I only hope that you don’t ever have to go through these things and get judged on like me. But I also know that many go through this every day as well, so this is what I want you to hear: DO WHAT HELPS YOU AND DON’T LET OTHERS BRING YOU DOWN BECAUSE THEY ARE NOTHING MORE BUT A FART IN THE WIND!

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I hope your days are filled with autumn color and sunshine. Much love and blessings to you sweeties. ❤

~Nightshade

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