So I know that I don’t seem to get writing and posting on my blog a regular thing. I’ve been struggling with this for….well forever. Life sweeps me off my feet, or anxiety does. I can’t even believe it’s been two months since I’ve posted. My last post is dated 8th of January. The day after that I lost a person in my life to a untimely death. He was 15. It crushed me in every way possible and still does. I cannot wrap my mind around it. I can’t feel him in spirit. I can’t find hope to see him again some day. I would like to. But I can’t. I just hurt and despair. I laugh at little things in everyday life. I read. I work a lot. I distract myself in every way possible, but in the end of the day it still hits me in the guts. My insides curl up in a knot and I can’t breathe. That is the truth. Is there any point to this life if we are just gone in the end like that? Is there any point in being happy with someone, when in reality there is a very real chance that they might be gone just like that in any second in any day? It is difficult to be happy when all you can think about is losing the people you love every single day. It’s ridiculous because I seem to mourn people while they are still here. I want to make the best of it while I still have the chance but I can’t shake the fear, the anxiety. I regret every second I got mad at my mom or rushed a lunch date with my family. I regret every time I pulled out my phone when I was having coffee with a friend. I regret every evening I hurried to bed instead of making love. I regret every day I spent imprisoned inside by my anxiety. I regret all the relationships that fell apart because of that. I guess some things just had to happen the way they did. That little kid tought me the hardest lesson in my life. I’ve lost people before, but it was never like this. Never completely unexpected and heart breaking. As a witch I feel like I am failing at this. I wish I got to feel him in spirit. I wish I was calm and totally reassured that he is not just gone, but somewhere better. As someone who delved in the shadow and darkness of the craft all my life more than in the light, I should know how to accept this. I should be able to just call up Ms. Death for a cup of coffee and have a chat about it just like I did with people I lost before. But this one… I just can’t accept this one. I hate her for this one. And as I say this I realize that I don’t. I just can’t admit to myself that she did him a favor. That he was more sick every day, every year of his little majestic life. I can’t seem to accept that he fulfilled his purpose in this world. He made us see how abundant you can be with so little. How a light can be found in the darkest days. I just wish he had better circumstances in a next life because he deserved it. He really damn did. I hope that he knows how much we loved him. I hope that he didn’t feel alone when it happened. I hope that he passed with ease. I hope that he’s mocking me somewhere right now for being a crybaby. I loved that kid. I really did.
I love you you little twat. Come visit sometimes. Please ❤