The musings of burnout

Hello my lovely readers. I hope you are all doing well and ready for this autumn to start and chill down mama earth a bit. At the moment I’m sitting at home, having some coffee, it’s pleasantly chilly morning, just enough I have to wear a sweater. So you probably ask what’s the burnout title about?

Well, that’s there. I’m looking at it and it’s looking back. I’m not sure yet if it’s real, but all I do know is that I dread going back to work, my health is deteriorating and this anxiety is real. But why? What happened? Shouldn’t I be happy that I have a job? Shouldn’t I be grateful? But should I, really?

The answer is NO. No, I don’t have to. I am grateful that I have a job so I can provide for myself. But am I happy in this job? Am I fulfilled in this job? No, I am not. I know for some people this is exactly what they are looking for – a nine to five job, where you spend 8 hours of your life every day (That’s a third of a day), doing something you’re not really motivated to do, but you don’t have to put a lot of thought into it because it became a routine, so it’s fine because it’s not taking a lot of energy for you to do it. But doesn’t it? To me this seems like a life draining experience. It’s literally wasting A THIRD of my life to do something I don’t actually enjoy. How scary is that? How scary is it to think you are throwing 8 hours of your day into something you don’t want? Now think about what would happen if you actually devoted those 8 hours into doing something you actually love? MIND BLOWING. A third of your life suddenly changes from pointless to EXCITING. And when I realised THAT, I just knew what an impact this has on my life overall, how it affects my mental and physical health and the overall quality of my life. I can’t ignore it anymore, my soul is screaming “I need to get out!”. And don’t get me wrong – there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with a 9-5 job if it’s actually something you like doing and it has a point to it. Every job in this world is valuable and has it’s place and I am grateful for every and each one of you who do your job with heart. That is amazing. But I just have to admit to myself – no matter how hard and heartbreaking it is to me – that I just don’t.

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Everyone thinks that making dreams come true is only in stories and inspirational books. But those books are nothing if you can’t do that in real life for yourself. Is it magnificent and liberating like in movies? At one point it probably is, I’m no expert. But for now, at the start, it’s full of breaking down, sobbing and snot. Yeah it’s disgusting I know. It’s full of shadow work, of looking fear in the eyes, of admitting your own clinging onto the comfort zones which are initially nicely decorated prisons and much more. And not one dream is ridiculous, pointless or stupid, no matter how much the society makes you think it is. C’mon especially in these times. People are living off of posting photos on IG (I’m not mocking, I’m fucking admiring). So why couldn’t I work full time as a tarot counsellor? As a healer? As a witch crafting magical goodies for others? AS A MOTHERFUCKING MERMAID? Why the hell not?

Most of the people around me believe that money is the goal. But to be honest, it’s not for me. I don’t need luxury. I don’t need a paycheck so high I keep buying pointless stuff just to buy stuff. I want just enough money to pay for living costs, food, clothes that I actually need and a plane ticket here and there so I can visit awesome people who live too far (seriously bitches, why don’t you just move here?). So all I need is what I actually need, and that’s all. It’s time to stop being blind to all of this. It’s time to take small steps towards that. It’s time to be a mermaid.

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